Workshop Piece 2

Column

I Want My 15 Minutes!



I have decided to become infamous. Why? Well, I really wanted to be like the MTV character Daria, but I realized that I get way too excited about stuff like Mario Kart to be a complete deadpan all the time. No but really, TBH, it’s easier to become infamous than legit famous these days. I was valuably using my time (read: perusing Perezhilton.com) yesterday, and noticed that most of my daily obsessions are totes not even real celebs, but rather some subset of famousness.

I could tell you who Tiger Woods’ number one ho is (Rachel Uchitel), what size breasts Heidi Montag has (cup size F), the approximate current location of Katie Holmes (under lock and key in the Cruise estate), and, most impressively, give an extremely accurate estimate of the cocaine to alcohol ratio that Lindsay Lohan currently has in her bloodstream. This impeccable knowledge of high-profile hot messes combined with my own natural talent for nosing out bad situations (and a remarkable tolerance) could really open doors for future notoriety. Facing this realization, I popped an Adderall, poured a glass of cheap pinot grigio, and got down to business. My road map to infamy is as follows.

The decision on just how shameless I’m going to get is an easy one: go big or go home. Considering the fact that I will (hopefully) be graduating in May, I’ll need a job and quite frankly, I could totally get paid for this shiz. I’m not disgracing my family for peanuts, people. That’s not to say that I won’t try to hold down a crappy job or two every few months, just 'til I get my stiletto heels on the ground. There’s probably a few career paths I could take, but I’m thinking the quickest way to work my way up the shaky ladder of infamy is to move out to Jersey Shore, maybe be a boardwalk bitch for a while. I could learn a thing or two from those people. During this research phase, I will be constantly networking with fellow boardwalk bitches to see who has the closest ties to Snooki, because I have complete faith in the fact that if we met, we would be instant friends, and I could subsequently get my face on MTV.

After I learn from the best and get a little time in the limelight, I will def move to somewhere even more urban and edgy, like New York or LA. This is a strategic move, friends, because it’s like the “new kid” phenomenon. I’m interesting because not only am I another hot mess with a back-story and a bump-it, but I am a NEW one. Novelty, while short lived, is a necessary component to being infamous. But for realz, I recognize that it will be challenging at first to suddenly find myself as a shot of Popov in a land of liters of Ketel One, but it will definitely build (more) character.

Now that I’ll be in closer proximity to notorious bad-boys and girls of the tabloids, I’ll make sure that I’m rubbing elbows (and other body parts) with them in the clubs. I figure if I can land an affair with a married Z-lister, it will automatically catapult me to the next rung of the ladder of infamy. A leads to B, which leads to C, and before you know it, I’m best buddies with Lindsay Lohan and Kristen Cavallari. I plan to learn all that I can from them, make it into the tabloids and be "seen," which will give me time to build my reputation some more. Meanwhile, I will be silently channeling my inner Trojan Horse to prepare for a hostile takeover of my mentor's turf, which will occur only when I’ve become infamous enough to outdo them.

Hopefully I will have accrued a few “frienemies” by this point, and the tabloids will have both my platonic and romantic relationships to gossip about. As soon as I’m googled as much as Kate Gosselin, I’ll most likely land a reality show. It obvi won’t be about any one thing in particular, but it will be highly entertaining and full of drama (duh). The show, while fun, will become a major snooze to me after a while, and I’ll decide to go the train wreck route. I know, I know, who actually wants to be a train wreck? Well I know it sounds crazy, but think about this from a depraved reality star’s perspective: it totally sets you up for a recovery (read: a shot at being on Celebrity Rehab), and plus, who doesn’t love an underdog? Yes, I’m brilliant, I’m aware.

But seriously, peeps, this isn’t just some get-rich-quick scheme for me. Becoming infamous requires dedication and hard work just like any other pursuit in life. I’m going to have to stick to it and follow my amoral guidelines; I’ll have to avoid doing the right thing at all times, even if it seems like a good idea at the time. Don’t get me wrong, being infamous doesn’t mean being a role model, but also it doesn't mean being a villain. I still want people to like me, it's just a matter of making the "wrong" people like me and the good people hate me (they're just jeal anyways).